Silent Cry

I can't seem to scream or yell or shout, they no longer come out.
My yearning for a release seems not to come soon enough.
I don't know whether or not my pains will be able to be contained.
I open my mouth for some sort of sound, but, only silence....
What was once pure, full, and boisterous has now been conatined.
Emotions are on hold, put on mute...
they are no longer for display as in a Carnival Freak Show..
they have their own place to hide and to be shown to no one because they are so far hidden, I don't know if I know where they are located any more.
I can't look in to a mirror, the image is too obscure, it is no longer in focus...
There are only wispy lines and jagged edges, to something that used to be so aligned and free flowing yet solid...
The peace that was once sought to calm the beast inside of me down is in search of new meat that is lying aroud and since I can no longer supply the large demand, it has left me in Silence...
I lie still to hear a sound, any sense of life that may surround me,
but, only the Silence remains by my side...
A wimpering noise exits my lips and a tear strolls down my cheek,
there still are some emotions there, I thought they had all gone...died...
Yet, somewhere in this dark pit, which I assume was an endless abyss of nothingness,
somethiing has apeared..
Is it hope? It is a guide? Is it the peace I had been hoping to find?
Will I reamin forever green and not know what truths there may be?
I cannot open my mouth to let a voice exit and invite this new thing in...
so silently in a dark corner in the fetile positioin I await this new "thing" to come..
But, there is nothing approaching..
just a cold harsh wind slapping my face...
I can faintly feel its prescence, but, it is there...
I assume it is waiting for me to gather my strength and regain my momentum..
I will, I know it..
but for now, I remain in this corner with my thoughts, and my sorrow till I can fully face tomorrow and
no longer Cry Silently.

Christmas Wish

At this time of year everything and everyone is Hustling and Bustling,
running around trying to catch that last minute bargain,
geting those Gift Cards which make it easier for the lazy people who don't want to actually think about having to get a meaningful gift because what would be the fun in that?
What has the meaning of Christmas become?
Is it how much someone spent on someone else?
Who has the shinier gift wrapping paper?
Who got the Hallmark card as opposed to receiving the .99 one.
When did people's job's become more important than their families?
What happened to taking "Family" time?

This Christmas I want something simple as I ususally do.
I want to see my daughter's face light up when she opens up her gift from Santa that she gets every year because its important that she believe in something while she's young.
"Who is Santa Claus?" she asks.
I reply that he is someone who brings happiness into people's hearts when they remember what it is like to be as simple as a child and enjoy a child's innocence.
"I'm still innocent." She says.
How true this is.
And yet for an eight year old she has suffered too much for anyone's lifetime.
And yet she still beleives.
She gives me the hope I seek when I feel as though there is no more to cling on to.
This Christmas I want peace, yes for everyone, but, for myself.
I wish to find my inner peace and accept all of the parts which create "Me".
I want to see life through new eyes.
I want the one I love to find himself and be happy, even if, to my saddness, it isn't me.
I want him to look at me through new eyes as well and see the true me.
I want my family to be able to remain close despite the people and events that keep attempting to tear us apart.
I wish that everyone gets a sense of peace within their souls.
I wish to one day fall in love again, with the right man and for the right reasons and recieve love whole heardetly like I deserve.
I wish to rippen and no longer be green to life, love, and myself.
I wish , I wish, I wish you all a Merry Christmas.