Silent Cry

I can't seem to scream or yell or shout, they no longer come out.
My yearning for a release seems not to come soon enough.
I don't know whether or not my pains will be able to be contained.
I open my mouth for some sort of sound, but, only silence....
What was once pure, full, and boisterous has now been conatined.
Emotions are on hold, put on mute...
they are no longer for display as in a Carnival Freak Show..
they have their own place to hide and to be shown to no one because they are so far hidden, I don't know if I know where they are located any more.
I can't look in to a mirror, the image is too obscure, it is no longer in focus...
There are only wispy lines and jagged edges, to something that used to be so aligned and free flowing yet solid...
The peace that was once sought to calm the beast inside of me down is in search of new meat that is lying aroud and since I can no longer supply the large demand, it has left me in Silence...
I lie still to hear a sound, any sense of life that may surround me,
but, only the Silence remains by my side...
A wimpering noise exits my lips and a tear strolls down my cheek,
there still are some emotions there, I thought they had all gone...died...
Yet, somewhere in this dark pit, which I assume was an endless abyss of nothingness,
somethiing has apeared..
Is it hope? It is a guide? Is it the peace I had been hoping to find?
Will I reamin forever green and not know what truths there may be?
I cannot open my mouth to let a voice exit and invite this new thing in...
so silently in a dark corner in the fetile positioin I await this new "thing" to come..
But, there is nothing approaching..
just a cold harsh wind slapping my face...
I can faintly feel its prescence, but, it is there...
I assume it is waiting for me to gather my strength and regain my momentum..
I will, I know it..
but for now, I remain in this corner with my thoughts, and my sorrow till I can fully face tomorrow and
no longer Cry Silently.

Christmas Wish

At this time of year everything and everyone is Hustling and Bustling,
running around trying to catch that last minute bargain,
geting those Gift Cards which make it easier for the lazy people who don't want to actually think about having to get a meaningful gift because what would be the fun in that?
What has the meaning of Christmas become?
Is it how much someone spent on someone else?
Who has the shinier gift wrapping paper?
Who got the Hallmark card as opposed to receiving the .99 one.
When did people's job's become more important than their families?
What happened to taking "Family" time?

This Christmas I want something simple as I ususally do.
I want to see my daughter's face light up when she opens up her gift from Santa that she gets every year because its important that she believe in something while she's young.
"Who is Santa Claus?" she asks.
I reply that he is someone who brings happiness into people's hearts when they remember what it is like to be as simple as a child and enjoy a child's innocence.
"I'm still innocent." She says.
How true this is.
And yet for an eight year old she has suffered too much for anyone's lifetime.
And yet she still beleives.
She gives me the hope I seek when I feel as though there is no more to cling on to.
This Christmas I want peace, yes for everyone, but, for myself.
I wish to find my inner peace and accept all of the parts which create "Me".
I want to see life through new eyes.
I want the one I love to find himself and be happy, even if, to my saddness, it isn't me.
I want him to look at me through new eyes as well and see the true me.
I want my family to be able to remain close despite the people and events that keep attempting to tear us apart.
I wish that everyone gets a sense of peace within their souls.
I wish to one day fall in love again, with the right man and for the right reasons and recieve love whole heardetly like I deserve.
I wish to rippen and no longer be green to life, love, and myself.
I wish , I wish, I wish you all a Merry Christmas.

THE PETER PAN SYNDROME

Why is it that Men refuse to grow up and rather stay boys? Ok , I understand it is more fun, the ignorance, the ability to do as you wish, "free will without concsiousness", but, there does come a time when all of that must not necessarily come to an end, but at least to a close because you must grow up. Everyone has to accept their responsibilities, (whether we want to or not). But as far as men becoming men, they'd rather stay as "boys" or "guys" because they believe if and when they grow up their fun will be over. This is not true. It is only the begining of a New adventure. Granted there will be responsilbility, and moments where as an adult you have to choose reason over whim, but, that does in no way mean that as an adult your fun has stopped. Or that one cannot have a meaningful relationship. Why are men so afraid of commitment and feel as though they need to wander the grounds in search of fresh meat? Do they not realize that in their search, it is a thirst that will never be fully quenched? They will always seek a sweeter juice, there will always be a ripper berry, there will always be a "new fresh fruit". Why can't they be happy or satisfied with the one who loves them purely and true? Why can't they grow up and see the reality that stands in front of them? Why can't they understand that the life of Peter Pan is a lonely one, because everyone around him will eventually grow up, and yet, he remains the same, by his own will. It is Peter's will that betrays him, his lust for more, more, but there will always be more and it will eventually become a boredom, but men do not see this, or should I say boys, because men know what they want, they have grown up and faced reality and are happy because they have "grown up", but a boy, or a guy, he is just Peter Pan, whom chooses never to grow into a man and live life, instead chooses a falsity. A fantasy life that is only real in his mind, but others around see it for what it is, a dream state in which if not awoken, can bring forth nightmare's of the reality trying its best to sink into his mind which continues to block it out. Men are no longer Peter Pan, they love, they face the trails that come their way, they are not afraid to be who they are and have become. But boys, well, they stay in their playpens until they decide to come out or someone smells their diapers and decides to help change them. That is though, some of them rather wallow in their own defacation rather than be helped. So I pity the Peter Pans, for they may live in their Neverland and be happy, but true happiness is accepting who you are and waking up from your fantasy and living in reality.